if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I will die if light touches me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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