Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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