she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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