Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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