i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
