If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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