i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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