Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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