Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
