I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
