I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
