so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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