i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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