My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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