Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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