my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
