my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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