His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
