I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
