My liver just broke up with me...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
