come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize