i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
