mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
