I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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