Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
