true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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