i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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