i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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