so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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