This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
