goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
