She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
