last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
