I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
