Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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