Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
