dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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