You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
