i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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