peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
