I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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