At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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