I think my fart just growled at me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
