Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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