I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
