i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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