we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
high people should be assigned attendants
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
