The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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