You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
