Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
