Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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