Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He did a backflip because drugs
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