Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
