tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
