What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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