i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
