i just wanna soil my oats bro
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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