They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
