Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize