went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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