I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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