Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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