my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
