good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
