I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
