You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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