when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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